Tuesday, June 17, 2008

no longer in the virgin cheeks club

minus the media

I don't actually have a camera. I'm going to stop pretending I do. Steve gets credit for 99% of all media posted to this blog. The other 1% divides up 11 ways, the breakdown of which I don't care to specify. But if you're ever wondering why some of my posts do not carry weight, it's because words mean nothing. Pictures and video clips mean everything. And sometimes I'm too lazy to ask Steve for a picture. My sincere apologies go out to all your overly stimulated senses. Mine too, actually. I skim blogs the same way and get all depressed when after skimming I discover the only way to get any entertainment out of it is to read the words. It's the same reason kids don't want a story book void of pictures. It becomes a chore or task. Chores are what your mom makes you do before you can go outside and play. Tasks are what your teacher assigns you at the end of each class. You want neither. And by golly you sure won't do it if it's anybody else besides mom and teacher. So when you skim a blog looking for media to jump start your desire to read, and you find nothing, it better be a darn good friend or relative's blog or that engine ain't starting. Because if it does, you're sure not doing it for kicks and giggles--you know your hide's gonna get it if you don't read. And then, maybe then do you start reading. And if you're lucky, very lucky, it's worth the read and you stop reserving 9/10ths of your brain to plan out what you're going to do for entertainment once you've finished your chores. That said, 10 points to anyone who reads this. And I'll know if you're faking it because I'll ask you how many pull-ups my dad can do--something I'll swear I included in the post.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Class Profile

So they hand me this form to fill out. There's always a form to fill out. This one says ELE Class Profile. As if there's a way to map out the dysfunction and chaos of this evening kindergarten class. But hey, there's a form to be considered. The new teach needs to think he/she has a reference guide to successful teaching before he/she discovers he/she was very much mistaken.

Classroom Management

1. Seating Chart: What? You want these kids to sit down? Not going to happen.

2. Discipline System:
Behavior Record: Sure, this class holds a record. Not the one you want.
Punishments: Capital
Rewards: Less than Capital

Suggestions, Special Needs, and Encouragement

Suggestions: Go back to America
Special Needs: You must have some if you want to teach this class
Encouragement: Guns are illegal in Taiwan. These kids won't have them.
(Discouragement: Guns are illegal in Taiwan. You won't have one.)

What BMCs and CCs can your students use without relying on a model?

1. "I'm sitting nicely." (Which they're not)
2. "Today is Sunday." (Which it never is. "Class is Monday to Friday kids. Sit down James, and stop choking Louie. Then again, keep choking Louie. That way he'll stop choking Frank for a minute.")

Indicate where next semester's teacher should begin teaching:

We've been working on such phrases as, "Stop choking me. Stop kicking me. Stop poking me in the eye." You can start teaching them things like, "I deserved it. It's my fault. He choked me because I was choking him first." Mostly though, you'll be the one learning new phrases. Such things as, "Danny, keep your pants on. James, take your hands off Tyson and go to the corner. Shalee and Shalene, that's only legal in Massachusetts and California. Hey, if you're going to spit, you're going to lick it up. Hey, get off me already. HEYYYYYYYYYYY! STOP YOUR HONKING!"

They're sweet. Have fun.